You will absolutely die if you don't buy this POS before midnight, when it turns into a pumpkin and the price triples! Act now.

I have a secret guilty pleasure- except it isn't really a secret*... and though I probably should, I never really feel guilty about it.

Here it is: I watch QVC.

That's right folks. It is lovely. I totally watch. No matter what those fools are selling. As you all know, I thrive being around people. During the off chance I am alone, I don't like it, so... bam, I turn on the Q and it's like instant company- they talk to me.

Ok, so I watch... why? They are just so damned entertaining. They are so excited about whatever they are selling. And they not only attract dynamic viewers such as myself, but they also attract celebrity's to shill their crap live. Among them: Joan Rivers (such a diva), Elton John (diva), Heidi Klum (diva), and the best of them all, your favorite toothy Mormon and mine: Marie Osmond (thankfully, not a diva; she is perfect).

So as I sit watching Lisa, a perky sass with a few too many face lifts trying to get me to buy something I have no need for, I can't help but think "I can do this" (no, not "I can buy this"- but "I can sell this").

As far as I can tell, this is what it takes to be a host:
1.) You have to be ridiculous- check
2.) You have to be charming- check
3.) You must be able to wear a lot of makeup- right, yes, go on
4.) The more animated, the better- check
5.) You have to talk for like 3 hours about crap you don't give a damn about- have you read my blog?

This gig is so doable for me.


*The real secret is that, turns out, I am not alone. Once last year, 1,246,387 idiots called in ONE DAY to order crap off QVC. That doesn't even take into account their website store, which, yes, live streams their tv online! In Zimbabwe? Yes, you too can watch QVC.