Thursday, April 24, 2008

You will absolutely die if you don't buy this POS before midnight, when it turns into a pumpkin and the price triples! Act now.

I have a secret guilty pleasure- except it isn't really a secret*... and though I probably should, I never really feel guilty about it.

Here it is: I watch QVC.

That's right folks. It is lovely. I totally watch. No matter what those fools are selling. As you all know, I thrive being around people. During the off chance I am alone, I don't like it, so... bam, I turn on the Q and it's like instant company- they talk to me.

Ok, so I watch... why? They are just so damned entertaining. They are so excited about whatever they are selling. And they not only attract dynamic viewers such as myself, but they also attract celebrity's to shill their crap live. Among them: Joan Rivers (such a diva), Elton John (diva), Heidi Klum (diva), and the best of them all, your favorite toothy Mormon and mine: Marie Osmond (thankfully, not a diva; she is perfect).

So as I sit watching Lisa, a perky sass with a few too many face lifts trying to get me to buy something I have no need for, I can't help but think "I can do this" (no, not "I can buy this"- but "I can sell this").

As far as I can tell, this is what it takes to be a host:
1.) You have to be ridiculous- check
2.) You have to be charming- check
3.) You must be able to wear a lot of makeup- right, yes, go on
4.) The more animated, the better- check
5.) You have to talk for like 3 hours about crap you don't give a damn about- have you read my blog?

This gig is so doable for me.

*The real secret is that, turns out, I am not alone. Once last year, 1,246,387 idiots called in ONE DAY to order crap off QVC. That doesn't even take into account their website store, which, yes, live streams their tv online! In Zimbabwe? Yes, you too can watch QVC.

Friday, April 18, 2008

McCain Website Update

Well, my friends, I have either arrived in the blogosphere, or I have hit a new low... not sure which.

This post is about an older post of mine. I posted about the McCain's web page. (Click here to read the original post). Since that blog was published, two major developments have occurred... dun, dun, dun.

1.) While casually googling myself it was revealed that big things are happening. I was listed on a website that tracks notable blog postings about McCain. (Yep, not only am I blogging about blogging, but someone else is blogging about me blogging. And now I am blogging about someone blogging about my blogging.)

Now, there is a strong connection between that little tid-bit of information and this one:

2.) Cindy's recipes- not really hers. Are we shocked? No. Did I call her out on my blog? Yes. Days later did she remove "her recipes"? Yes. Did some intern lift them off the Food Network? Yes.

Now, I am a theorist... and this connection is obvious: Cindy must read my blog. I know what you are thinking "No, Mary, some intern reads your blog"... but no, why would an intern who plagiarized recipes turn herself in? Wouldn't.

Now that we have established that I have Cindy's attention...
{I am now actively choosing to use my knowledge (aka power) for good instead of evil.}

1.) Cindy: I know you are really Amy Pohler from Saturday Night Live. Here are the facts:

2.) Cindy/Amy: Now that I know, and now that you know that I know, you can come back here often for friendly tips and suggestions. Here, I will start it off right now:

3.) You seem to be the type who enjoys the spot-light. You must be getting jealous of all the attention John gets. So, I conducted a poll for YOU not him. The clear winner is Nice N Easy 106- Natural Medium Ash Blonde. Make it happen.

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Village

April 13, 2008

BOILING SPRINGS, Penn.-- Bodies of a local predominate gang, the DBG, were found inside an upscale rental cottage along Yellow Breeches Creek on Sunday evening. Also found in the home was an inexcusable amount of wicker furnishings from the mid-nineties.

(Mary McMullen, the leader of DBG, with the Wicker Palm)

Suspicious behavior had been reported through out the weekend. On Friday evening a passerby noticed that the inhabitants of the house were drinking heavily out of an oversized red chalice. Saturday morning there were unconfirmed reports of crab walking and staged falls into the creek. Followed by phone calls to the local station on Saturday night from neighbors who heard sounds of pirating from off shore.

(Demonstration of odd behavior, ie. the initation Crab Walk being displayed)

(Members Hinkel, Bradshaw, Satterthwaite, and Olave ashore)

An inside source claims the weekend brew-ha-ha was riddled with stock buying, insider trading, fixed mergers and corporation building. Details of ties to European Rail companies are also surfacing. "There was a lot of business being acquired", said the source who wishes to remain anonymous.

(Scott, April, Wayne, Kim, Mandy & Trent playing Acuquire for the Victory Chalice)

Police believe that there may have been a confrontation sometime in the afternoon of Saturday, April 12th between some of the "Dirty Butterflies", or DBG members, and those in the rival gang "Clean Butterflies" (aka CBG). The rumble took place as the two possees crossed paths on the qaint tree lined streets of Carlisle, PA. Home turf for the CBG, most memebers attend the pricy private liberal arts college. DBG had gone inside the local farmers market to buy the most delicious whole chocolate milk, unprocessed of course since the Amish know how to treat their heifers right.

(The Cleanies)

After the public brawl, the DBG retreated and went back to the Boiling Springs where they learned the springs do not in fact boil, but the artisan well spring stays at a constant 52 degrees year round, of clear water literally bubbles like boiling water to the surface (hence the name)-- from caverns that are guessed to be almost 2000 feet below the surface. They then terrorised cute little fuzzy ducklings and big mama jamma geese.

DBG then tagged the bench near "The Bubble" in the middle of town. The brazen move in broad daylight was no surprise to the local law enforcement.

("Dirty Butterfly Gang Wuzz Here" scribed onto the local municipal bench)

Evidence suggest there was even jubilee on the creek after their return from the CBG scuffle. The source said "Oh, yes, they ate sweet berries and drank in the sunshine on the deck of the cottage. They canoed and paddle boated around the creek. Splashing and laughing. Then they leisurely swung on the old oak tree for hours; talking and laughing". Indicating they had no remorse for their tirade throughout the county.

Things weren't as peachy as they thought though. Upon arrival to the cottage there was a heavy thunder & lightening storm that crashed into the secluded home. And the home sits on the sight of an old train depot. Everyone in the village heard the ghost train multiple times Friday night. The local folklore indicates that when you hear the train, you know trouble is near. This time being no exception.

(Creepy scene from backyard of property)

The deceased have not yet been named. Among the surviving are Trent Bowen, Wayne Bradshaw, Mandy Jensen, Scott Inouey, Mary McMullen, Clint Satterthwaite, Kim Summers, April Hinkle and David Olave.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Why DubYa is in office today: what wins an election?

So there I was tonight, perusing John McCains web page (what I was really looking for was a picture of his son Jack). So, on his page one can find fascinating things such as a basketball bracket, Cindy's guacamole recipe, and update on where he has last travelled, and many more exciting tid-bits.

Now, I recognize that to win an election (especially a high-caliber office) you need to let the people know you are an average Joe; one of them... but this is just un-freaking-believable.

No wonder George W's "aw-chucks" speaking style got him where he is today.

On McCain's web page you can click on a section labeled "Why John McCain"... so, I click... isn't this what it is about? Why should someone vote for him. He lists three reasons. Only three?! Hot damn, if I knew American politics were that simple, I would have thrown my blimp into the race right along side of Paul's a long time ago. (Actually, he lists 4 issues and 3 solutions. I chose to only count his solutions).

Since I am an obvious expert on elections, I have three bold solutions of my own (for his website):

1.) Post some pictures of your family. And by that, I don't mean of you and your trophy wife. I mean of your entire, multi-litter family. Maybe at a BBQ somewhere; that'd be very Americana.

2.) Take off the basketball bracket, and your daily picks. Anyone who votes should realize that those picks are actually those of Billy, your Freshman intern of your lowest ranking staffer. Stop it. It only cheapens your website. It doesn't make me think "Oh, he is into basketball", in fact I thought "Oh, he thinks Americans are stupider then we really are".

3.) Cindy. Oh, Cindy. Now, we all know you are pretty. I mean, you look like a million damn dollars, because well, you indeed are worth 100 of them. Now, Americans love anything beautiful... but at the same time, we also hate pretentious people. Let your hair down, get some low-lights while your at it, and become real. The barbie image is nice... for hanging on Johns arm at the Country Club. Not for the first lady.

That should do it for now... I just want to help the cause. I have been a supporter for a while, and from the looks of it the DNC is going to throw the cheap novelty item Barry into the race, and you can take him.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

What the Duck?

Another long post for you... and sorry no pictures*:

LDS Singles from the greater DC area (and by "greater DC area" I mean all over the United States) vacation at Duck Beach in the Outer Banks of North Carolina for Memorial Day Weekend. I would guesstimate there are around 800 Singles that show up for the event. Wait. Stop. That's the first problem...

Problem #1: There is only ONE planned/organized event
A volleyball tournament. Other then that, you have 800 people who went "for a good time" but there is no "good time" to be had. Everyone is always on the lookout for the next best thing. Multiple times I would be in the midst of an activity (crab hunting, hot tubing, skin boarding) and this conversation would play out-

D-Bag: "Whats going on?"

Me: "This, THIS is what is going on"

D-Bag "Oh, I mean what's going on later".

Me, in my mind: Who cares... can't you see that right now we are on vacation, engaged in what is going on!

Alright, now, I plan events for a living, so obviously I have a strong bias about the fact that there is no organizational format for fun... but the problem list continues...

Problem #2: High expectations.
Everyone has heard glamorous folk-lore of years past. THESE STORIES ARE OVER COMPENSATIONS FOR THE FACT THAT DUCK IS NOT FUN. People have a mediocre time at Duck. I have been to Duck. I have been in post-Duck conversations where the story was far, far better then the reality. Stop it everyone.

So now you have 800 single momo's who have high expectations and nothing to do... what happens next?

Problem #3: The infamous Duck Parties
You have heard tall-tales (see Problem #2) of these massive ragers... Reality Check: We are Mormon; no sex, drugs, or Rock n Roll. These parties typically are birthed out of conversations (see Problem #1), where instead of facing that fact that there is nothing going on, some dude will say, "Come to the NYC house tonight, I hear there is a party" and then that magically becomes what is going on for everyone. Nothing is worse then a bunch of idiots with time on their hands. Here is a quick list of the shenanigans from party past:
  • Someone set off a stink bomb

  • People jumped off the third story of a house into a 8' deep pool.

  • The police were called and the 75 people who parked in No Parking Zones were ticketed

  • High drama fights including whipped cream

  • NCMO's

Now, that list is coincidentally is also a short recap of how my Freshman year of High School played out.

So now we have hundreds of bored Mormons with high expectations and nothing to do at centralized location... now what?

Problem #4 Sexual Frustration

That's right, you heard me. I said it. 800 singles in their late 20's & early 30's; most of which who are virginal, prancing around all day half naked with nothing to do. If that doesn't scream awkward, I don't know what does.


Now, before people even have a chance to bring up counter points, I would like to address those possible arguments:

Counterpoint #1- Mary, you must not have had a good house/good group of friends/good location

No, actually I have been dominating for quite sometime and I planned my first (and last) Duck house. I was with my good friends in an ideal central location.

Counterpoint #2- Mary, what a bad attitude you must have had

No, actually, if I do anything well it is having a good time and vacationing.

Counterpoint #3- Mary, that may have been YOUR Duck experience, but it wasn't mine.

No, actually, you were brainwashed, it was yours as well... you have been told time and time again that Duck is fun. It is not.

Counterpoint #4- Mary, I just go with friends and ignore everything else going on. Go and have a good time.

No, actually, that is impossible. I tried. And if that is really your plan, then we agree and you should just go another weekend.

Duck is not that fun.

*No pictures were included in this post because I wouldn't want to add to any myth about Duck being fun... and people not only over compensate with their stories, but also with their fake smiles and Duck is gorgeous. Wouldn't want anyone to be led to think "gee, that looks fun" It is not.