John McCain Hearts Lifetime Televison

I guess I started a blog-revolution of sorts. This blog is written by Amberly Kingsford (of the charcoal empire). She is my first guest blogger. This original post is from her, but her blog is private. Here it is:

Monday, June 9, 2008

Picture it: Sunday, June 8th. Having actually gone to all 3 hours of church (yea us), Larren decided he needed to take a nap. I wasn't tired at all, but bored out of my mind. Where does a woman turn to in her time of need? I began to get depressed. Then...light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was one friend that would be there for me.

I flipped on Lifetime: Television for Women.Luckily, they had just what I needed: a Lifetime original movie to zone out to and watch simultaneously (during commercials) with whatever crap was replaying for the 5th time on MTV. (I can't stop THAT addiction. Don't even try.) I'm not sure if any of you watch Army Wives, but apparently it's a show that is pretty popular amongst RLM (Regular Lifetime Viewers). If you know Lifetime, and I'm sure 99% of you reading this won't admit it, but you DO know it, you know that they cut to commercials every 30 seconds. So really, you only watch like 30 minutes of movie and 1.5 hours of commercials. But...I digress.

Every 30 seconds, I'd see the promo reminding me that Season 2 of Army Wives was beginning right after my sap movie. Annoying, yes, but thanks for the info. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...John McCain flashes on my screen. Wait-what...what is HE doing here? Well, he must be here for election biz, right? Wrong, my friend. So wrong. No...John was there for one reason, and one reason only:

"Army Wives is a great show. I know; Cindy makes me watch it with her. Stay tuned for the debut tonight, only on Lifetime." {-John McCain}

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...are you for real? What has made you stoop to this level? We know you don't watch Army Wives! No one does! And I KNOW you were reading the queue cards...I saw your beady little eyes flicking back and forth!

Yeah Right

If NASA wasn't already a joke, there is now this: http://lro.jhuapl.edu/NameToMoon/

Which, no, this is not a brilliant marketing ploy fishing for names online... it really is from NASA. It is a direct link from this official page: http://lunar.gsfc.nasa.gov/

Now, some might wonder, is NASA for real? So, they are telling me they are collecting names of random people for no apparent reason, putting their names in some micro-chip, sending it to the moon, also for no apparent reason, and then giving out a certificate showcasing the name-owners support of the mission? Why?!

This is just egging me on. Someone over at NASA is just bored and wants to mess with me*. I couldn't ask for a more absurd "mission". (The Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter -aka LRO- is the first mission in NASA's Vision for Space Exploration, a plan to return to the moon and then to travel to Mars and beyond.)

Not one person has given me any reason to believe that NASA is not just a front to launder tax money. You tell me what makes more sense:

A.) NASA takes millions upon millions of our tax dollars and really just fields the funds to things we actually need (yet Congress would never approve) like global security needs.

or

B.) NASA is hard at work, space exploring (with virtually no accountability) spending our monies on the following-

B1.) The National Air & Space Museum. A museum full of first grade science fair projects- really? This is supposed to convince me that NASA is real?

B2.) The botched fake moon landing. Really? I am glad they staged it. I hate Commies.

B3.) Remember the love triangle with the rocket scientists? They were working, yet had all the time on their hands to craft a web of soap opera lives to entertain the nation.

and now B4.) They are spending millions for a partnership with a university, to collect names and spend them to space to save the world!

If you like NASA's offering, you can also buy a star (which probably has already burned out, or is not even visible from earth) on various irreputible websites or on ebay. A star AND you can send your name in space.

*They are either messing with me, or they just think Americans are stupid. At which, I am pissed that they can't be more creative/intelligent with their cover stories.

Poolside Propaganda

Aw, summertime... no season captures the essence of this country more than Summer: BBQ's, parades, backyard baseball games, & roadside lemonade. In fact, yesterday it was glowing outside. Yes, glowing. I am certain that there is some sort of smog inversion involved... but when that golden glow hit the lush green grassy knoll in my back yard, I was proud to be living in the land of the free & home of the brave.

This summer we have an added Americana bonus: Propaganda. And I love it. Just the other day I was reading about how gas is actually cheap. What? That is right. And you know what? I believe every word of it. (According to the Energy Information Administration, in 1922 gasoline cost the current-day equivalent of $3.11. 86 years and pocket change- literally. - its about $10/gallon in Europe http://www.slate.com/id/2191491/)

Now, with Bush on his way out, and Barry on his way in (unless Hillary throws a tantrum, which has been working for her lately- shout out to Michigan & Florida's 1/2 votes) here in DC we have outrageous job turnover. Which means eager kids are running the white house. No lie. Every experienced staffer is clamoring to find secure employment before the commie-ran Obama camp moves in... so, their jobs are being snatched up by pretentious recent grads.

And I applaud them. Thank you. The cautious damage control focused Bush team was always on the defense, and I like this new eager bunch. The attitude has shifted to doing what is right for Bush to doing what is right for America.

We need propaganda. It makes us feel good.

These eager staffers are to America what Will Smith is to summer blockbusters...they are both non-threatening heroes! Targeting our emotions and giving us exactly what we want.

I am excited for Americans to live out the summer with pride before it all goes to pot (maybe literally) after the liberals take over and tell us how much America sucks. So get out there, spend your stimulus package on a new Red White & Blue for the front of your house and let fredom ring!

DCL Treated Me Well

I scooped up 16 of my friends for a weekender at the lake house on Deep Creek Lake, MD.

As if the house wasn't enough (private lake access, pool table, hot tub, Swedish sauna, boat dock, etc) I was able to share the good times with a great group. We laughed, we cried, and we laughed so hard we cried.

The best way to tackle sharing this weekend with those who couldn't be with us is through picture narratives... this will allow you to get a glimpse of what was. Though, of course, some things you will never get and somethings are just the kind of things I don't post on the world wide web. Enjoy:



Here is the entire group. Peter: Where is your shirt?

"Kytanic 08": Some might tell a different story, but I am here to set the record straight: The only reason Quinn and I are alive today is due to my extensive water safety training & kayak skills. Basically, Wayne & Adri are puppy killers. Quinn & I are survivors.

When living on a dead-end road in the middle of freaking no where, it is important to save the Mormons. This gem of a sign was a gift... no, a blessing... we were tired, we were hungry, we were somewhat "lost" but then we see this. Much laughter and jubilee followed. I was saved. Turns out the Church is still true.

The lake freezes in the winter... it thaws in the spring. Let the record show, I was swimming in it May 23rd. Why? Because I do whatever the hell I want.

Ambercrombie called, they needed a new cover for the catalog. We agreed.

The Six Sinners didn't make it to church- but we did make it to the Super Walmart (which could have had its own zipcode) and we were able to buy the appropriate materials for a 100 foot long slip n slide for our hill.

Private docks are good for the same thing as private hele-pads: personal door to door service. Thanks to some well connected people, I was picked up at the dock on a speed boat and then taken out for an afternoon of lovely boating. As a side note, all the haters who showed up at the lake house were flown down to duck beach for the weekend.

When I grow up I would like to have ATVs, hot chocolate machines, tree houses, zip lines, and a lovely family to spend time with me at my lake house that sleeps 30 in beds.

Chemical Warfare

So there I was in my kitchen tonight... I had just arrived home from watching Iron Man to find my kitchen hosting a smaller, more powerful smell then normal.

I began sniffing around in hopes of discovering the offender; to no avail. But, I had things to do, I couldn't be bothered with this pesky possibly-growth-stunting-chemical invasion of my house... I went downstairs into my room to work on high importance level project. I still noticed the smell, but didn't think much of it; I was busy.

Moments later my roommate came downstairs. She was concerned. The smell was apparently getting stronger upstairs... she was right. It was outright loud.

Like a true hero, I put my project on hold and I began a full fledged investigation upstairs.

Here were my findings:

Yesterday there was a minor ant invasion. We had sprayed. Could this smell be lingering ant spray? Seems unlikely, but as a true detective would, I took into account exterior factors: the oven was on; heat thus exacerbating the odor of the once stale ant spray. Furthermore, the spray had sat all day; thus could have germinated. Must just be the ant spray.

Returning to my room, I discover my room may actually be the vector. Eeek. Surveying my room, I decide to throw out my trash. I walk out to our shared garage space to the trash bin and discover this scene before my eyes:

Next door neighbor refinishing the garage floor at midnight. Nice. Buckets of lacquer and paint. He casually comments, "I bought the quick-dry stuff, the smell should be gone in about 5 hours." Translation: "This large bucket of poly-blah-blah has extra smelling chemicals in it and by morning you should be completely high. Hope your dreams trip you out tonight. Sleep well sucka".

Sweet dreams!

Come What May

Come what come may, Time and the hour runs through the roughest day. Macbeth, 1. 3

Dora The Expose

So there we were... in the valley of West Virginia and we end up at a local soccer match at the local graveyard. (Yes, it happened that said game was taking place on the excess land of the cemetery). As we approached the game, we noticed a little girl flying a kite. "Hey, that looks fun", I say, "and I have a kite!" (Yes, I happen to drive around with an X-kite in my trunk).

The wind was wild & wonderful; perfect. Little Maria (approx. 3 years old) was about 50 yards away, flying her Dora the Explorer kite like it was no ones business.

We attempt to get mine into flight. Fail.

We look over and Maria & Dora... they are flying strong and Maria is using only one hand. That's right: one handed! So, I start to run. A rare sight. I meant business, I wasn't about to allow Maria to school me on the field/graveyard... running... fail.

I turn kite control over to Diana. She uses a rare wrist rotary method with a twist... fail.

We glance over again. Maria is now eating a popsicle with one hand, flying the kite with the other! Who does she think she is? At this point, our kite flying became a team sport.

Me, Mandy, Diana and Wayne all attempt flight. Fail.

After we give up completely and begin disassembling my kite we look over at Maria one last time. She is now laying down in the lush grass, sucking on her Popsicle and still flying her damn Dora kite. Eww.

Please watch the aftermath video below to get a clear idea of the passions little Maria stirred with in us all.

So after the exhausting failures on the field, there was only one thing left to do: gamble away our sorrows at the horse track. Click here to go to Mandy's blog and read all about how we made ourselves feel better by way of gluttony, greed, power, fame, and such. No, really, that is why we were in West VA in the first place.